The Master of Prunes
by Tangled in Shadow
Summary: Riku, Sora, and Kairi as you've never seen them before! Includes roasted mushrooms, pink bunnies, fashion shows, Hilary Duff imitations, freak dancing, urine samples, and MORE! Please R&R {Mild Yaoi & Language, Blood}
1. Sweet Peas

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter One  
  
  
Kairi lay on the beach in Destiny Island, the air blowing her hair sexily. She was smiling at the sky, and suddenly a wave towered over her and pulled her into the ocean! No, that's not what happens.  
  
Sora approached Kairi, his eyes fixed on her. Saliva dripped down his chin as he stared in amazement at Kairi.  
  
You're beautiful, Sora said, leaning to one side.  
  
I know, Kairi said, smiling. Then she let out a loud laugh, and Sora laughed too. They both laughed stupidly. And then they stopped. That wasn't funny, Kairi said, scowling.  
  
Sora grinned. Then he laughed.  
  
Oh, here comes Riku, Kairi said, sighing.  
  
OOOOOHHH, it's HIM! Sora said, beaming at the approaching Riku.  
  
Hey guys, he said, and he winked at Kairi. Kairi grabbed a fan out of her pocket and fanned herself, smiling dreamily at Riku. Hey Sora, said Riku.  
  
Hey Riku, said Sora. Riku winked at Sora, and Sora pulled out a fan and fanned himself too.  
  
But then Kairi turned to Riku. Are you... cheating on me? She began to sob. All this time, and you're hitting on Sora! She burst into tears.  
  
Kairi, it's not what you think, Riku said rushing over to her. He pulled her into his arms, and Kairi let out a scream of disgust. What's wrong? he asked her.  
  
You- have- BODY ODOR! she yelled. She jumped to her feet and dove into the ocean.  
  
Not cool, dude, Sora said, his face stern. Riku beamed at him.  
  
Do you like sweet peas? he asked. Sora laughed. Then Riku laughed. They laughed for a few minutes and then stopped.  
  
That wasn't funny, Sora said. But I do like sweet peas.  
  
They're sweet, Riku said, winking at Sora. Sora continued to fan himself. How's we go for a swim?  
  
SOUNDS GREAT! Sora yelled, laughing. They both started laughing for a few minutes, and then stopped. That wasn't funny, Sora said, looking at Riku as if he were an idiot.  
  
Then they heard the splashing of water, and Kairi arose from the water. She tossed back her hair and smiled at them. She walked slowly out of the water, still smiling. Riku and Sora both drooled.  
  
How's a swim, you two? she asked. She winked at them.  
  
SOUNDS GREAT! Sora and Riku yelled, and they both pounced on each other. Sora punched Sora in his right eye socket, and Riku punched Riku in his left eye socket. They continued punching, and then Kairi stiffened. They both discontinued their punching and beamed at her.  
  
Kairi shouted. They both laughed. They all laughed for a few minutes then stopped. That wasn't funny, Kairi said, and they all dove into the ocean.  
  
_Continued in Chapter Two!_


	2. Drowning Fan Girls

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Kairi, Sora and Riku jumped into the ocean water, laughing. Kairi tripped on a rock and fell into the water where it was shallow and started to drown! Sora jumped in to get her, and he pulled her above the surface. They both started laughing, but then they fell silent.  
  
That wasn't funny, Kairi said.  
  
Suddenly a group of fan girls were running towards Riku, screaming extremely loud. Riku gasped and dove into the water, swimming away from them. But they reached him and jumped on top of him.  
  
AAAAAAAAH! RIKU! AAAAAAH! the fan girls shrieked. Riku started to drown in the water, and Sora rushed over to him.  
  
Riku! NNNNNNNOOOOOOO! Sora yelled, and everything went in slow motion. The fan girls puckered up and were about to kiss Riku, but Sora jumped and grabbed Riku out of the way. The fan girls drowned in the shallow water.  
  
That was close! Riku said, running his hand across his forehead as if breaking a sweat.  
  
Sure was, Sora said. They both turned to each other, closed their eyes, leaned forward, and...  
  
Kairi emerged from the water, drops of water splashing in every direction. She smiled at Sora and Riku, who did not notice her.  
  
I'm going to get out of the... water... Kairi said, smiling. Riku and Sora beamed at her and drooled.  
  
Wait! Kairi! Sora exclaimed. He ran over to her.  
  
What is it? Kairi asked.  
  
I have to ask you a severe question, Sora said. He looked at her deep in the eyes.  
  
Go on then, idiot, Kairi said snobbily. She tossed back her hair and swung her hips in circles.  
  
Do you... like... R-  
  
Kairi interrupted.  
  
Roasted mushrooms? Sora continued. He looked at her deeper in the eyes.  
  
Kairi said. She began to laugh. Sora did also. And so did Riku. And all three of them were laughing ridiculously.  
  
That wasn't funny, Sora said. It was a serious question.  
  
Well... I've never tasted roasted mushrooms, Kairi said.  
  
Riku jumped up and down in the water. Then he turned to Sora. When life's got you down you know what you gotta do?  
  
Sora said.  
  
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do we swim, swim, swim, Riku chanted.  
  
Why not? Sora said.  
  
Then Kairi dropped to her knees and burst into song. WHY NOT? TAKE A CRAZY CHANCE? WHY NOT? DO A CRAZY DANCE!  
  
An enormous performance stage emerged from the sand, and Kairi began to dance. Large speakers echoed the beat to Hillary Duff's song Why Not.  
  
If you lose a moment, you may lose a lot! So why not? she sang, WHY NOT? So why not?  
  
Sora began to snap his fingers. He square-danced with her, and they sang the words to the song with passion and enthusiasm.  
  
Take a crazy chance! Why not? Do a crazy dance! If you lose a-  
  
QUIT IT! Riku roared, interrupting their moronic singing. What's the big idea? I HATE Hillary Duff!  
  
Kairi said. The stage disappeared.  
  
Sora continued to snap his fingers. He hummed the tune to the song. Riku beamed at him, and Sora stopped.  
  
Men these days, Riku muttered under his breath, and he walked away from them, winking at Kairi.


	3. What are you doing?

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Riku sat in the corner of the Secret Place, resting his muscles. Then Kairi came in.  
  
Mind if I... join you? Kairi asked.  
  
Riku said.  
  
Kairi walked over to him and sat behind him. Mind if I give you a massage? she asked.  
  
Riku said.  
  
You're supposed to say no if you want me to give you one when I ask that, Kairi said.  
  
Riku said confusedly.  
  
Kairi placed her hands on his shoulders. She began to rub them, and then she pounded on his back with all her force. Riku choked, and Kairi gave him the heimlich maneuver.  
  
Then she continued massaging him, and she smiled. Her eyes lit up, and she massaged faster and faster. She was massaging at the speed of light!  
  
Riku choked again, and Kairi laughed, massaging him quicker and quicker. He choked and choked, and she massaged and massaged. Then they both stopped.  
  
Kairi laughed, pounding on Riku's back with all her force again. She pounded harder and harder.  
  
Riku vomitted, and Kairi gasped loudly. Then she snorted. Riku beamed at her and laughed. They both laughed.  
  
They laughed harder. They laughed for fifteen minutes, then thirty, then forty five, then an hour...  
  
That was not funny, Riku said. But they continued laughing idioticly and stupidly for another hour.  
  
Sora stormed into the Secret Place, his eyes bulging and a handful of burnt mushrooms in his hands. He threw them into his mouth and swallowed them.  
  
What're you doing, freak? Kairi said, jumping to her feet.  
  
What are you doing? Riku said in a singing voice. He stood up also. OOOOOH what are you doing... FREAK!  
  
An enormous performance stage appeared with two large speakers. A loud yet catchy beat played, and Riku broke into song. The beat went faster, and he danced.  
  
What are you doing today! he sang. OOOOOHHH what are you doing, hurray!  
  
What the hell do you think you're doing, freak? Kairi said to Riku.  
  
Riku sang loudly. Sora plugged his ears with two mushrooms.  
  
Would you quit it, freak? Kairi yelled at Riku.  
  
What are you doing today! Riku sang. OOOOOH what- are- you- do- ing TODDDDDAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!  
  
The stage vanished, and so did the two speakers. Riku bowed, and Kairi kicked him in the shin. Sora clapped in applause.  
  
ENCORE! ENCORE! he yelled at the top of his lungs, grinning.  
  
What are you doing, freak? Kairi said seriously.  
  
They all laughed for an hour, and Kairi said, That wasn't funny.


	4. Mysterious Message

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Sora, Riku, and Kairi were sitting on the sand next to the shore of Destiny Island. They all were staring at the ocean and its rippling waves, and everything was silent.  
  
Kairi let out a sudden, loud gasp and ran to the shore. The gasp made Riku and Sora jump.  
  
She bent down, bending down slowly so that her butt stuck out. She looked back at Riku and Sora, who were staring at her bending down, drooling. She picked up a glass bottle that shined in the sunlight.  
  
Kairi removed the cork from the bottle and noticed a scroll was inside the bottle. she shouted in surprise.  
  
She quickly took out the paper and smoothed it out. She thought it was a love letter. In big, bold letters it read:  
  
**Don't forget to scream!  
  
** Kairi shrieked at the top of her lungs. She fainted on the hot sand.  
  
What is it, Kairi, what is it what is it? Riku and Sora said excitedly as they ran over to her. Kairi pointed to the paper, which lay on the floor since Kairi had dropped it.  
  
Sora snatched it and read it happily. But then his face shrunk in fear. He yelled in horror, and then shouted repeatedly, THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE COMING!  
  
Shut up, you lunatic, Riku said. Sora immediately stopped shouting and fainted next to Kairi. Riku picked up the letter and read it.  
  
he said. Kairi and Sora beamed at him. I mean   
  
Why did you just say ham? Kairi asked.  
  
Don't forget to scream? Sounds kind of... _stupid_, don't you think? Riku said. Kairi and Sora looked at him in frustration.  
  
Like you would know stupid, Riku, Sora said, and he and Kairi laughed. But this time they did not say That wasn't funny, but just stopped laughing.  
  
Well, Sora, Riku said, throwing his hips forward. Kairi and Sora looked at him in frustration as he swung his hips in circles. At least I don't like... EARMUFFS!  
  
Kairi gasped loudly and fainted. Sora shook her hard, but she would not wake up. He shook her harder and she died. No, she didn't die.  
  
How... dare you, Sora said coldly, his eyes staring at Riku.  
  
Riku shouted, grinning. TURQUOISE EARMUFFS!  
  
Kairi squealed like a pig, and Sora plugged his ears with leftover earmuffs from earlier. Riku continued to laugh insanely.  
  
Well, at least I don't like... BERRY SCENTED BODY LOTIONS! Sora yelled, smiling evilly. Kairi squealed again. He laughed stupidly.  
  
Oh, so I guess we're fair now, eh? Riku said. Suddenly something started to drip out of his nostrils. Sora stared at this substance strangely.  
  
What be that defyingly disturbing substance oozing out of your nose, Riku? Sora said.  
  
Riku placed his right index finger into his nose and picked something. Then he removed it, and small little balls covered in the substance rested on his finger.  
  
OH MY GOD! HE HAS MUCUS IN HIS NOSE! Sora shouted. Kairi squealed again, and Riku approached Sora, his finger pointing straight at him.  
  
You will pay, Soraa, you will PAY! Riku said, and he put his finger against Sora's cheek. Sora yelled in terror and died. Roasted mushrooms and sweet peas came from his mouth and splattered onto the sand. Kairi woke up and squealed extremely loud.  
  
Who wrote the paper? Who wrote that paper? WHO WROTE THE PAPER FROM THE BOTTLE! Kairi screamed, looking in every direction as if looking for someone. DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH SORA'S DEATH? OR RIKU'S MUCUS?  
  
It was I, said a voice from the Secret Place. A boy in all white clothing, black hair, and glasses appeared, grinning. He looked stupid wearing all white. He was wearing a heavy white ski jacket which was very inappropriate for the weather in Destiny Island, and big white pants. I WROTE THE LETTER! he yelled. Kairi screamed.  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
(P.S. Don't forget to scream)**


	5. Green Spinach

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Five  
  
I am the one who wrote the letter, the boy said. I am the one who wrote the letter. I AM THE ONE WHO WROTE THE-  
  
Yes, we get it, Riku said, folding his arms. He leaned to his left on his hip.  
  
What are we supposed to scream about? Kairi asked, glancing back and forth between Sora's body and the boy. I mean, it's kind of stupid just saying Don't forget to scream' when there's nothing to scream ab-  
  
Hold that thought, Riku said, and he hurried down to Sora's body. He bent down, sticking out his butt so that Kairi could see it. He felt Sora's pulse. HE'S BREATHING! HE'S BREATHING BREATHING BREATHING BREATHING BREATHING!  
  
the boy laughed evilly. He grinned evilly too once he was finished laughing. It's a trick. He's really dead.  
  
No, if he's breathing, he's alive, you idiot, Kairi said to the boy, shooting him a dirty look. The boy immediately stopped talking any other word. She hurried over to Riku and bent down. HE IS ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE, HE'S A-  
  
Sora murmured. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.  
  
NO! HE CAN'T BE ALIVE! the strange boy roared. He ran over to where all three of them were. He pushed Kairi aside. Move aside! he yelled. Kairi tripped on a tiny rock and blood squirted from her leg. She started screaming while the boy observed Sora's pulse.  
  
Sora scrambled to his feet. Who're you? he blurted, staring at the boy.  
  
Afedermis Meddleton, the boy said, at your service!  
  
Yeah yeah whatever, Riku said. But you tried to kill him! MURDERER! JUST BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID LETTER, EH, MISTER?  
  
Afedermis laughed coldly. Yyyyyyyesssss, the letterrrrr, he said, laughing. He laughed harder and harder. Riku surveyed him in suspicion.  
  
Riku poked Afedermis gently, and Afedermis yelled in pain. Afedermis yelled, and he collapsed onto the floor. Blood squirted from his nose.   
  
SHUT UP! Sora shouted, and Afedermis stopped yelling. And then he died.  
  
Riku sat behind Sora. Mind if I... rub your head?  
  
No, not at all! Sora said delightfully.  
  
Riku placed his fingers on Riku's head. He began to slowly massage his head, his fingers moving in circles and triangles. He closed his eyes and swayed from side to side.  
  
What are you doing, freak? Kairi shouted. She pulled on Riku's shirt and pulled it onto his feet. Riku gasped in alarm.  
  
What are _you _doing, freak? Riku yelled.  
  
Kairi kicked Riku in the shin, and Riku gasped. He placed his hand on his chest while he gasped.  
  
Kairi asked. She tossed back her hair. Then she swayed her hips in circles, and then she threw them side to side.  
  
You- have- GREEN SPINACH IN YOUR TEETH! Riku shrieked in fear.  
  
Sora gasped loudly. Then he jumped up in the air. He repeated this, and then jumped in circles around Riku and Kairi.  
  
What are you doing, freak? Kairi asked him as he jumped.  
  
Then Sora stopped dancing. He began to dance. He jumped side to side, and did the Disco dance. Then he pulled Kairi into a Square Dance, placing a cowboy hat on his and her head.  
  
I know you something you don't know! he chanted merrily.  
  
What is it, moron? Kairi asked. She joined hands with Riku and they were dancing in a circle, their hands holding each other's.  
  
You- like- CHOCOLATE PUDDING! Sora yelled. Riku stopped dancing, gasped, and fainted on the very spot.  
  
Well, I actually LOVE CHOCOLATE PUDDING WITH VANILLA SWIRLS! Kairi yelled. She giggled. Sora joined her in giggling, ignoring Riku who lay on the floor.  
  
That wasn't funny, moron! Kairi yelled. She slapped Sora.  
  
Ugh! Like, oh my god! Did you just do what I thought you did? Sora said, his hands on his hips. Oh no you didn't, girlfriend, OH NO YOU DIDN'T! He slapped her back, and they slapped each other for a few minutes.  
  
But then a shooting star shot from the sky and blasted off Kairi's head!


	6. This Party ROCKS!

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Six  
  
I left you hanging in the last sentence of the last chapter, eh? Well, Kairi's head was not shot off by the shooting star. Now you can sigh in relief. Unfortunately, Kairi is still alive. I shall continue the story now.  
  
...But then a shooting star shot from the sky and blasted off Kairi's head! No it didn't. It shot into her stomach, and she vomitted and crashed against a large rock. Sora and Riku pointed at her and yelled in laughter. Sora rolled on the floor, gasping for air as he laughed. Riku laughed in a deep tone of voice.  
  
Like, oh my god! That was, like, violent! Sora said loudly, curling his hair with his fingers. He pulled Riku into a lively dance. He spun him around.  
  
Kairi cleared her throat. But the two ignored her. She did it again. _Hem, hem,_ she said. But they ignored her. So she did it again. _Hem, hem. HEM, HEM. HEM HEM, _DAMMIT! she yelled. Both Riku and Sora beamed at her.  
  
Do you need a cough drop that badly? Riku asked her.  
  
No, just wanted your attention, she said casually. She bent down to observe the shooting star. She turned her butt to Riku and Sora, but they were too busy doing the Square Dance to notice her. They both wore stylish brown cowboy hats on her heads.  
  
Ooooh, oooh, Kairi said. She moved her butt in circles. She rotated it up and down, and then in a circular motion. But then she turned to the two dancers. QUIT DANCING!  
  
You know what we should, like, have? Sora said, twirling his hair. Riku and Kairi shook their heads. Like, a party! Duh!  
  
Riku snorted, and Kairi burst into laughter and tears.   
  
Oh yeah, who're we going to invite? _The rock!_ Riku said as he and Kairi burst into laughter. But Sora rushed over to a large rock.  
  
Would you like to come to our party? Sora asked the rock.  
  
Kairi and Riku rolled on the floor in laughter. But then Sora told them to shut up.  
  
Shut up! he said, silencing them. What's that you say, rock? You can come? HE CAN COME! Sora did a victory dance, spinning around like a ballerina.  
  
Well, we might as well invite all the other rocks! Riku said, grinning. He turned to Kairi, and they burst into laughter again.  
  
Sora said. He ran to every rock near them, shouting out They can come! or They can't come! Riku and Kairi were rolling on the floor, crying between violent laughs.  
  
The best suitable time for everyone was 6 o'clock tonight in the Secret Place! Sora said, smiling at Riku and Kairi, who were now standing up with stern facial expressions.  
  
**_At 6 o'clock that evening...  
  
_**Kairi and Riku were standing in the Secret Place silent. They were surrounded by more than twenty rocks, and Sora arrived wearing a shiny yellow tuxedo. His hair was combed back formally. He was wearing a wide grin on his face.  
  
This party _ROCKS_! Sora said. Get it, _rocks_! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! But Riku and Kairi were staring at him, without a word.


	7. Fluffy Pink Bunnies

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
Sora disappeared, then reappeared with two large speakers. He set one on one side of the door, and the other on the other side of the door. They were both against walls.  
  
Riku and Kairi felt absolutely stupid to be standing in a with rocks surrounding them at their feet. Sora said, silencing the silence since no one was talking. We have a special act today!  
  
What is it, something that has to do with the _rocks_? Riku asked. Kairi did not burst into laughter. Riku beamed at her, and she was biting her nails nervously.  
  
Our special act today is... Drum roll please... Drum rolls were heard suddenly out of nowhere, and Riku jumped startled. Sora shouted. Riku gasped.  
  
Kairi grinned at Riku, sweat dripping down her cheeks. She stopped biting her nails and stood next to Sora, who stood in front of the door. An enormous stage emerged from the ground.  
  
She will be singing her version of Hilary Duff's song entitled So Yesterday'. He paused. Without further ado, I present to you, KAIRI!  
  
No applause was heard. Then the background music to So Yesterday by Hilary Duff echoed from the speakers. Riku's jaw dropped, and Sora hurried off the stage and stood next to him, watching Kairi.  
  
You can change your knife  
(If you wanna)  
You can change your nose  
(If you wanna)  
If you say you're blind  
Well that's the way it goes  
But I'm gonna keep your genes  
And your old fat cat  
('Cuz I wanna)  
They look good on me  
You're never gonna get them back  
At least not today, Not today, Not today, 'cause:  
If it's over let it snow and  
Come tomorrow it will sleep  
So yesterday  
So yesterday  
I'm just a turd  
That's already flown away  
Fart it off  
Let it go and  
When you fall up it will seem  
So yesterday, So yesterday  
Haven't you heard that I'm not gonna be okay.  
  
So talented, huh? Sora said while Kairi continued to sing.  
  
Riku said. I hate this song.  
  
Sora said. They looked back at Kairi. Then he leaned to Riku and said, So talented, huh?  
  
Riku looked at him. He leaned forward. They both closed their eyes, and their lips touch–  
  
The music stopped. Kairi pounced onto Riku off the stage like a... animal. She sunk her teeth into his head, and blood squirted out like water spouting from a fountain.  
  
Sora squealed like a pig. He ran around in circles and tripped on a tiny rock. He flew forwards and blood gushed from his leg. And after Kairi had pounced on Riku she collapsed onto the ground after tripping on a microscopic rock. Blood now flowed out from her leg like a river.  
  
And they continued to bleed. They bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled and bled.  
  
They bled so much that the Secret Place was now a tank of blood. Riku, Sora, and Kairi swam in their own blood, and all the blood now flowed out of the Secret Place through the entrance.  
  
They stood on the sand outside, and Kairi dusted herself off. She was squeaky clean. Riku and Sora, on the other hand, were drenched in dripping blood.  
  
You- didn't- hear- my- SONG! Kairi yelled at Riku and Sora. She charged at them. Both Riku and Sora squealed loudly like pigs and then snorted repeatedly. They crashed into a wall and blood shot out from their bodies like fountains.  
  
Kairi screamed and ran in circles frantically. But Riku and Sora turned to her and grinned. They charged at her and knocked her down, and Kairi vomited on Riku.  
  
But then the earth began to shake. The sand swirled like a tornado, and a figure appeared. He had white hair and wore an ugly purple coat.  
  
It's- Ansem, Sora said coldly and quietly.  
  
The figure dusted himself off and stared at the trio of them. Hello, miniscule creatures of the pure evil blood that lurks inside the roasted mushrooms and sweet peas, he said in a quick dark voice. He grinned evilly. He walked towards the three of them, and they backed away.  
  
But then Ansem stopped. He waited for five minutes. They did not move. Then he said, Fluffy pink bunnies of the darkest realms of evil and force of nature and sake forbidden ATTACK! he yelled, pointed at the three of them. Millions of harmless, cuddly pink bunnies came out of nowhere and ran at Riku, Sora and Kairi. Then bunnies rained from the sky.  
  
Ansem laughed evilly as Riku, Sora and Kairi stood motionless as billions of pink bunnies hopped below them.  
  
Oh, forget the damn bunnies, shadows of evil unrentide ATTACK! Ansem yelled. Smiling Heartless appeared and ran at Riku, Sora and Kairi. The three of them squealed and Ansem laughed.


	8. The Fashion Show

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
Kairi shrieked in fright as the Heartless ran at them. Ansem laughed evilly, and Sora grinned. A Keyblade appeared in his hands, and he laughed stupidly and killed all the Heartless. Riku and Kairi were hugging while screaming as Sora destroyed the Heartless.  
  
Sora finished killing all the Heartless, and Ansem was staring at him blankly. His mouth was open.  
  
I- uh- I- uh, Ansem said.  
  
Kairi smiled and walked slowly over to him, throwing her hips side to side. She grinned. Then she pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss.  
  
Sora gasped, and Riku fainted. Sora pulled out a fan and began to fan Riku. Riku, oh RIKU! he yelled. He gave him CPR, and Riku awoke. He scrambled to his feet, and dusted himself off. Kairi moved away from Ansem.  
  
What do you feel like doing, Ansem? Sora asked, grinning.  
  
I'd say you guys put on- a fashion show! he said, jumping up and down excitedly.  
  
Sora gulped. Kairi smiled in approval. And Riku shook his head. I'm NOT doing a fashion show! he said.  
  
Oh, come on! It'll be fun! Sora said reassuringly, and Riku frowned.  
  
All right then, whatever the ruler of darkness' wants, he said, and they all hurried into the Secret Place to change into their fashionable clothing for the fashion show.  
  
A fashion runway emerged from the sand connecting to the entrance to the Secret Place. Kairi walked out, and colored lights flashed onto her.  
  
Ansem's jaw dropped. Kairi was wearing a crocodile skin dress and big black boots. She did a few poses and walked off the runway.  
  
Sora walked down the runway. He was wearing a big canary yellow jacket and white pants. He wore white high heel shoes. He looked quite stylish. Ansem clapped and waited for Riku.  
  
And there he was. He walked down the runway proudly, shaking his butt for no reason. He was wearing a long yellow feather coat that was twenty five feet long, and big yellow shoes, blue overalls, and a yellow shirt.  
  
Riku tripped on his stupid coat and collapsed on the runway. Then a huge swarm of bees flew onto him and stung him, and he squealed like a pig. Kairi walked onto the runway and picked him up, dragging him into the Secret Place.  
  
ENCORE, ENCORE! Ansem yelled, clapping. His face was lit up with excitement. This is the best thing I've ever seen!  
  
Sora, Riku, and Kairi ran out from the Secret Place and tackled Ansem. Sora grabbed a handful of sand while Kairi opened Ansem's mouth, and he poured the sand into his mouth. Ansem choked and died.  
  
They tossed him into the water. Kairi laughed, and so did Riku and Sora.  
  
Let's go swimming! Kairi exclaimed. As a celebration!  
  
Riku and Sora chanted, and they all dove into the water. Kairi walked in the water, and a huge wave towered over her!  
  
Sora yelled. He ran to Kairi as the wave hit her and pulled her into the ocean.  
  
Riku was bit in the foot by a crab and his foot fell off. He began to yell in pain as the crab crawled away with his foot. Blood gushed out of his leg, and Riku yelled and yelled.  
  
Sora grabbed Kairi's limp body and threw her away from him. She hit her head on a rock and had a concussion. Blood squirted from her head like a fountain.  
  
Riku grabbed the crab from the sand and removed his foot from its mouth. He noticed that he was growing another foot!  
  
He hurried out of the water, and so did Sora. Kairi woke up and hurried out of the water. As they overlooked the ocean, they noticed the water was turning yellow!  
  
How, like, weird! Sora exclaimed, covering his mouth in surprise. Like, oh my god!  
  
Like, yeah! Riku agreed. Kairi was running into the Secret Place for no reason. She fell onto the floor in there and fell asleep.  
  
Later that day, when the afternoon sky was now sunset, Riku and Sora sat on the shore eating something. Kairi awoke and walked over to them.  
  
Riku noticed her arrival and said through bites of food, Want some dinner?  
  
Yeah, what's cooking? she asked.  
  
Sora said. He held up a toe and giggled.


	9. Urine Samples

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
Kairi went back to the Secret Place after her dinner of two of Riku's toes. Then a stupid thought occured.  
  
What if Riku and Sora were girls?  
  
She grinned and decided to make a transformation potion to turn Riku and Sora into girls!  
  
And she was deep in work for the rest of that night...  
  
... Oooooohhhhhhhh, I'm exhausted, Sora said, stretching.  
  
Riku said.  
  
Wanna see what Kairi's up t-  
  
a voice shouted from the Secret Place.  
  
What was that? Riku asked.  
  
Sora said. Let's go find out. They hurried into the Secret Place, and Kairi jumped out of nowhere.  
  
she said.  
  
Riku and Sora yelled but then calmed themselves down. Oh, it's only you! they said, wiping their foreheads. What was that evil laugh about? Riku asked.  
  
Here, drink this, Kairi said, handing them both a bottle with yellow liquid.  
  
Urin samples? Riku asked, surveying the bottle in his hands.  
  
Kairi said. It's the- um- best lemonade around! She grinned.  
  
I'm not drinking urin samples, Sora said.  
  
But it's lemonade!  
  
That's why I'm not drinking it, Sora said.  
  
It isn't urin samples! Kairi said angrily.  
  
What, is it a potion that'll turn us into girls? Riku asked sarcastically, and he and Sora laughed.  
  
Ye- I mean no, Kairi said. Just drink it!  
  
How can I trust y-  
  
DRINK IT! Kairi demanded, and Riku and Sora looked at each other. They placed their lips on the bottles and drank the liquid.  
  
Riku said, rubbing his stomach.  
  
Sora said. He rubbed his stomach too.  
  
Kairi twiddled her fingers, and grinned evilly. she laughed again. Riku and Sora beamed at her. I mean- Sure wasn't urin samples, huh?  
  
Sora said, eyeing her suspiciously. Are you- _drunk_?  
  
No, but I'm really tired. I'm going to get some rest! Kairi fell onto the floor and slept. Riku and Sora shrugged and fell down on the ground next to her.  
p   
Kairi woke up and found Riku and Sora _on top of each other!_


	10. Freak Dancing

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
No, Riku and Sora were NOT on top of each other. It was Kairi's dirty imagination. So she simply fell back asleep.  
  
She awoke the next day at night. She must have slept for over 12 hours! she thought, and she stood up to look for Riku and Sora. They were outside sitting down, watching the ocean. Kairi sat next to Sora. The sky was dark and starless.  
  
Hey guys, Kairi said. I have a great dance to show you.  
  
Oh, do you? Riku asked surprisingly. Sora beamed at her in surprise.  
  
Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us Show us! Sora exclaimed repeatedly.  
  
Alright, alright, here I go, said Kairi. But I'll be needing a volunteer.  
  
Sora's hand shot up in the hair- I mean air. Kairi picked him, and he stood in front of her. Two large speakers emerged from the ground, and Kairi began to dance. Sora was getting into the beat.  
  
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours, I could teach you but I'd have to charge, Kairi sang. She pushed Sora forwards and leaned up against him. Then she shook her butt, and Sora followed suit. Riku snapped to the catchy song's beat.  
  
Riku, the boys are waiting, Kairi said to Riku, smiling sexily. Riku blushed.  
  
They are? he asked. He giggled.  
  
Warm it up, la la la la, la, Kairi sang, the boys are waiting.  
  
Then Sora sang, My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours, I could teach you but I'd have to charge...  
  
Kairi and Sora were _freak dancing!_  
  
Riku decided to join in behind Kairi, and all three of them were freak dancing to the neverending song by Kelis. They freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced and freak danced until the night was very late.  
  
The song ended, and the speakers disappeared. Kairi, Sora, and Riku wiped the sweat off of their foreheads.  
  
That was some hard freak dancing! Sora exclaimed.  
  
Kairi let out a scream of disgust.  
  
What is it, Kai? Riku asked.  
  
I- have- BODY ODOR! she yelled. I haven't had a shower in YEARS!  
  
_Sorry for the kinda stupid chapter. I was writing it in a hurry. But next chapter should be a little better! Oh, and do review please!_


	11. Bread Tongs

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Eleven  
  
I hate to mark the drastic end to this story, but there will be a SEQUEL! *applause* Well anyways, it will be titled Kingdom Farts, so make sure you keep your eye out for it.  
  
Well anyways, enjoy the last chapter!  
  
~ Kairi decided to bathe in the ocean. Late at night, while Sora and Riku were sleeping, she creeped out into the ocean with some shampoo she had made and soap. She dropped a strange object onto the sand on the way in the ocean.  
  
She dove in, holding the slippery soap and shampoo. She began to scrub with the soap and shampoo her entire body with her clothes on. She laughed. This is the best shower EVER! And my first! she giggled.  
  
Riku and Sora heard her laugh and walked out from the Secret Place. But Riku stepped on something, which his foot got caught in. He looked down and noticed a wooden pair of something. He picked it and showed Sora.  
  
What're these? he asked him confusedly. He scratched his chin in ponder.  
  
Oh! I've heard what those are! Kairi's mom said they were- they were- Riku said, thinking hard. Oh! They are _bread thongs_!  
  
Indeed they were. Bread tongs. Not thongs. That would be gross. And bread does not wear a thong.  
  
Wow! How do they work? Sora asked confusedly.  
  
Like this, Kairi's voice said. Sora and Riku turned to her. She was walking out of the ocean, swaying her hips side to side as she walked. She tossed back her hair and shook it around sexily.  
  
Ooh, you're good, Sora said, staring at her beauty. He dropped the tongs on accident.  
  
I'll pick them up for you, Kairi said softly, and she bent down, sticking her butt out towards them. Oooh, ooh, how clumsy of you, Sora! she said, moving her butt in circular motions. She finally picked it up and surveyed it. Then she pinched Sora near her muscular biceps with the pair of tongs.  
  
Don't pinch me with those thongs! Sora exclaimed, rubbing his muscular arms. Then Kairi pinched Riku, giggling insanely. She giggled and giggled giggled and giggled giggled and giggled giggled and giggled giggled and giggled until she had pinched them both all over their body.  
  
Those thongs really hurt! Riku said, rubbing his bruises. Luckily I HAVE ONE! He pulled out a pair of tongs out of nowhere, and Kairi gasped.  
  
The war of the thongs has begun! Sora cried, then collapsed onto the floor.  
  
_The War of the Bread will continue in the first chapter of Kingdom Farts._


	12. The War of the Bread Tongs

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Twelve  
  
There is NO Kingdom Farts, or any sequel to Master of Prunes... yet. So here is the neverending Maaster of... PRUNES!  
  
The Master of Prunes, Chapter Eleven left off with Kairi and Riku with bread tongs, and they were about to pinch each other with them. But, instead of calling them bread tongs, they knew them as bread thongs.  
  
And so, the story of The Master of Prunes shall continue... IN CHAPTER 12!  
  
Kairi grinned evilly, and so did Riku. They both started to pinch each other with the bread tongs.  
  
MUAHAHAHA! My thongs are stronger than yours! Riku shouted.  
  
Stop! I can't bear to watch the thongs any longer! Sora yelled in terror. Please! Stop!  
  
Riku went behind Kairi, placed the tongs' on Kairi's white underwear, and pulled up the undergarments violent. Kairi shrieked.  
  
Your thongs gave me a wedgie! Kairi yelled. It's over, Riku!  
  
Riku stopped from whatever he was doing. It's... over?  
  
Yes, it's over, Kairi said, her hands now placed on her hips.  
  
Y-Y-You mean I-I did all that for... for nothing? Riku said between sobs.  
  
Did what? Sora asked. He beamed at Kairi and laughed. You don't mean you two were... _together_ or anything?  
  
We... were, Kairi said, bowing her head. Riku also did so.  
  
Sora snatched Riku's bread tongs and stomped to Kairi. You mean you- you were with this... this mullet boy? He pointed back and forth between Kairi and Riku with the tongs.  
  
W-What did you call me? Riku said to Sora, his eyes as wide as CDs. Kairi was giggling softly below her breath.  
  
Mullet boy! Sora said, smiling. I called you mullet boy! He approached Riku, pointing at him with the tongs. You gonna do something about it, mullet? Huh? Are ya, are ya? You got a problem with me buddy? Do ya, do ya?!  
  
Riku roared like a lion and fell on his hands and legs. He was in a stance that resembled a lion ready to attack. He purred, and pounced onto Sora.  
  
Kairi screamed, turned, and ran into the ocean just as an enormous wave towered over her. She stood beneath the wave as it crashed down, and she was trapped in the violent water!  
  
While Riku was biting Sora's ear and on top of Sora's shoulders, and Sora was yelling in pain, Kairi was drowning! Quickly noticing this after hearing a loud scream, Riku jumped off Sora and crawled over to Kairi. He pulled her out of the ocean.  
  
But suddenly, small drops of rain began to fall from the sky. The clear blue sky above crowded with clouds, and thunder echoed around the trio of freaks.  
  
It's a storm! Sora shouted. He ducked and collapsed onto the sand.  
  
But Kairi burst into song. Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams! Let it wash away my sanity! Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream! Let the rain fall down! I'm coming clean... She began to dance in the falling rain. Riku stared at her in confusion.  
  
And instantly it was a music video. Kairi sat on a rock, smiling, and moving her head side to side and rubbing her thighs.  
  
She was singing the entire song, rubbing her thighs continuously.  
  
What's going on? Riku asked, interrupting her singing.  
  
I'm a singer! Kairi said. She laughed loudly. I'M A SINGER! AHAHAHAHA! I'M A SINGER! Her voice echoed throughout the entire island.


	13. A Startling Discovery

The Master of Prunes  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN!  
  
Oooh what discovery have I made today? Sora blurted out, disrupting the utter silence.  
  
What are you talking about? Kairi asked. Since when do _you _make discoveries?  
  
I have certainly made one, Sora said, sticking out his chest abruptly. Kairi flinched when he stuck out his chest. Shhhh... listen... do you hear what I hear?  
  
Kairi and Riku both listened closely. They indeed _could_ hear something. It was coming from the Secret Place... and it sounded like excitement!  
  
The trio of friends hurried into the cavern-like Secret Place, and once they were inside, they all gasped loudly.  
  
Oh, keep _at _it, Wakka! Tidus yelled.   
  
Tidus and Wakka were doing something _so _disturbing and disgusting that it would be completely inappropriate for a PG story to include detailed descriptions, so those descriptions will be excluded from this story.  
  
Wakka pulled his clothes back on, and so did Tidus. When did you guys decide t-to come in? the orange-hair psychotic lunatic said, fixing his perfect hair.  
  
We heard excitement and... and pleasure, Riku said, astonished at their very disturbing behavior. Were you...  
  
Yes, we were, Tidus said, brushing nothing off of his clothes.  
  
You were making babies? Riku said, completely surprised. Oh my goddess... OH, MY, GODDESS! You were having se-  
  
See what happens when you interrupt someone's sentence? Wakka said, slapping Tidus's butt.  
  
Okay, you might think this story is taking the road to pervertion, but it is NOT. Tidus and Wakka were just having se-  
  
See what happens when you slap my butt like that? Tidus shouted at Wakka, pulling down his pants and revealing a throbbing red welt on his buttocks.  
  
Eww yucky, Kairi said, biting her fingernails. That's more disgusting that what they were doing earlier.  
  
What were they doing earlier? Sora questioned.  
  
Damn it, Sora, we went over this three times already! Tidus and Wakka were having se-  
  
Seven seconds to race out of the Secret Place! Whoever wins will be eligible to win the Riku Swimsuit Calendar!  
  
Tidus and Wakka immediately dashed out of the Secret Place, hoping to be racing someone else besides themselves. Kairi strode out of the Secret Place in a calm and ordinary fashion.  
  
Sora and Riku were left alone, which means a LOT could go on, and no one would know about it...  
  
So, Riku, I think we've known each other too long, and it's time to spread our relationship to further heights, Sora said, gripping Riku's arm so tight that the veins in his arms were blocked, unable to have blood entering them.  
  
What's your point? Riku said, pulling Sora's hand off of his arm.  
  
Will you be...  
  
...my guardian? Yuna the summoner appeared, smiling stupidly and waving her impressive staff around like a child's toy. Will ya?  
  
Get out of here, bitch! Sora said. He kicked Yuna in the stomach, and flew backwards into the wall, dead.  
  
I'm glad she's gone, Riku said. Sora... actually, I feel the same exact way about you.  
  
You do? Sora said in disbelief, his wide blue eyes sparkling with glitter.  
  
Riku said. He pulled Sora close to him, clinging to him, leaned forward, his eyes closed...  
  
What do you think they're doing in there? Tidus asked Kairi and Wakka as they waited for them outside.  
  
Oh, it's nothing, Kairi said. They're just probably having se-  
  
Seven Seven = Fourteen, which is it the next chapter! PLEEEEASE review, or you will face the wrath of the monstrously ferocious fluffy pink bunnies from chapter 7! MUAHAHAHA! O.o


	14. Selphie and Kairi?

The Master of Prunes  
  
CHAPTER FOURTEEN!  
  
**A/N: Kairi is a bit strange in this chapter and I bet you could probably guess in what way, too. Kairi fans- you have been warned! Don't be telling me You make Kairi look bad! or insult my writing. Live with my honest opinion on the giggly girl in Kingdom Hearts, please. We all have our separate opinions. Thank you.  
As Tidus, Wakka, and Kairi waited for Riku and Sora to exit the Secret Place, Kairi spotted a young female with brown hair jumping rope near the beach.  
  
Ooh, who is this sexy babe? she cried in an astonished and pathetic voice that sounded a lot like Mike Myers's role as Austin Powers.  
  
And I thought _I _had bad voiceovers! Tidus said with a laugh.  
  
Uh, we do have bad voiceovers, Wakka said. We have bad lip sync in Final Fantasy X.  
  
Oh yeah huh? Tidus said, slapping Wakka in the butt. Wakka was offended and clutched his butt in bewilderment.  
  
Hey there, sexy pussycat, Kairi said, approaching the girl.  
  
hi, the girl greeted reluctantly with a faint smile. Who are you?  
  
the redhead girl replied, her eyes sparkling. Who are _you_, oh sexy one?  
  
I'm Selphie, the brown-haired girl responded. I like jump ropes!  
  
Personally I don't care for jumping with ropes, but I'd prefer to bound you to a chair and hum-  
  
Want to go swimming? Selphie interrupted.  
  
Kairi grinned evilly, as if she had just thought up a master plan. I'd love to!  
  
The two skipped into the ocean after Selphie set her jump rope down on a rock that had appeared out of nowhere.  
  
How about I give you some SWIMMING LESSONS! Kairi said, her last two words extremely loud. Selphie cleaned out her ears and nodded. Kairi pushed Selphie onto the sand. The girl squealed in delight as Kairi mounted her.  
  
Ooh, you're good! Selphie said as Kairi clutched the girl's chest.  
  
Now _that's _disgusting! Tidus said to Wakka, completely appalled. I don't do things as bad as _that_!  
  
No, Tidus, we do worse, and we're much more fun, Wakka said, rubbing his companion's shoulder as if massaging it. Let's have some more fun, shall we?  
  
Oh, I'd love that! Tidus shouted, grinning. He pushed Wakka against the rocky wall and  
  
We're back! Riku yelled as he and Sora exited the Secret Place, fully dressed but with cheeks smeared in saliva and their lips moist from doing interactions with them. The two gasped once they saw Tidus and Wakka at it once again but outdoors, and their eyes darted across the landscape to Kairi and Selphie, who were also at it.  
  
Now _that's _disgusting! Riku told Sora. I don't do things as bad as _that!_  
  
No, Riku, we do worse, and we're much more fun, Sora said, rubbing his companion's shoulder as if massaging it.  
  
And now you know what happens when things get fired up with the gang at Destiny Island! Or should I say when things get fired up with the gang that bangs at Destiny Island?  
  
****More A/N: Yes, I realize that chapter was quite perverted, but I must tell you that this saga will leave its roots of perversion for classic, first-10-chapter humor. Salute!**


	15. The Twelve Days of Sora's Presents

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter FIFTEEN!  
  
A/N: Sorry about the last chapter, which was entirely bolded.  
  
"You are profoundly DISGUSTING!" Kairi told Riku.  
  
"Now how am I disgusting?" Riku asked, placing his hands on his hips in aggravation. "At least I'm not LESBIAN!"  
  
Tidus, Wakka, and Sora, who were all standing nearby, gasped loudly.  
  
"Well at least I'm not gay either!" Kairi said, slapping him. The three bystanders gasped once again. "Besides- you told me you masturbated with Sora! Is that not disgusting, or what?" The three bystanders gasped even louder after the reference to masturbation.  
  
"I wish that a genie would just magically appear and grant me a wish to marry Kairi," Sora said.  
  
POOF! A magical blue (blue?) genie appeared out of nowhere, smiling and dancing in the air. "Hi Sora! You asked for wishes?"  
  
"I did? Oh yes, I did!"  
  
"Good. What do you wish for?"  
  
"Do NOT wish for what I gave you for Christmas!" Kairi yelled, her attention now fully directed to the Genie and Sora.  
  
"What did you get for Christmas?" the Genie asked Sora.  
  
Riku, Sora, Tidus, and Wakka all broke into song immediately after Genie had questioned his question.  
  
"On the first day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
A Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the second day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the third day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the fourth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the fifth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the sixth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the seventh day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the eighth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Eight Girls a Milking  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the ninth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Nine Ladies Dying  
  
Eight Girls a Milking  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the tenth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Ten Farts a Leaping  
  
Nine Ladies Dying  
  
Eight Girls a Milking  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the eleventh day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
Eleven Muffins Singing  
  
Ten Farts a Leaping  
  
Nine Ladies Dying  
  
Eight Girls a Milking  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Tree  
  
On the twelfth day of Christmas  
  
my true love sent to me:  
  
12 Ink Printers  
  
Eleven Muffins Singing  
  
Ten Farts a Leaping  
  
Nine Ladies Dying  
  
Eight Girls a Milking  
  
Seven Boys a Running  
  
Six Geese a Severed  
  
Five Broken Rings  
  
Four ing Birds  
  
Three French Fries  
  
Two Hurling Doves  
  
and a Hockey Helmet in a Pear Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
The Genie rejoiced their wonderful singing but instantly stopped. "What the hell do you want from me, donuts? I'm here to grant a wish!"  
  
"Hmmmmm..." Sora pondered. "I wish for..."  
  
What will Sora wish for? Find out in CHAPTER SIXTEEN! 


	16. Scrumptious Parfait of Eternal DOOM

The Master of Prunes  
  
CHAPTER SIXTEEN!  
  
A/N: Just to warn you- there's some really odd stuff in this chapter, including characters used as drugs and Riku/Ansem pairing (I know, yuck).  
  
  
  
The Genie gasped loudly. Tidus, Wakka, Riku, and Kairi all glared at him in astonishment.  
  
they all asked in unison.  
  
Not the scrumptious parfait of eternal doom! the mystical blue thing said, his handish thing clutching his chest.  
  
What's wrong with parfait? Kairi asked it.  
  
Nothing! Parfait's delicious! The Genie smiled really big, and Sora cringed at his grin.  
  
Someone likes parfait... Tidus whispered in Wakka's ear silently. Wakka nodded in agreement, his Alfalfa-ish hair nodding with his ugly head.  
  
The Genie folded his armish things across his chestish chest and sighed. If you so wish for the scrumptious parfait of eternal doom, so be it. He moved his handish things in the arms so swiftly that the group of adolescents were dizzy once he finished.  
  
POOF!  
  
A huge parfait cake appeared on the sand, with lovely frosting and piles of parfait stuff. Suddenly a figure burst out of the top of the cake, grinning and wearing an enormous coat longer than the island that was the color of a flamingo.  
  
It's Ansem! Sora cried, his face shrunken in fear.  
  
It's Ansem! Kairi cried, her face also shrunken in fear.  
  
It's ANSEM! Riku cried, his eyes lighting up and his arms wide open.  
  
Ah, Riku! Ansem ran down the cake into Riku's open arms. They hugged romantically and began to kiss each other strangely. They both grabbed each other's butts and continuing kissing.  
  
The surrounding group of people all cringed in disgust with facial expressions of entire revolt.  
  
It is fantastic to see all my homies from the lovely hood gathered here in my crib, you all, Ansem said in a poor attempt at the gangsta's language. He pulled off his revolting coat, revealing extremely baggy pants and a muscular chest with bulging veins.  
  
That's straight trippin', y'all! Riku said, growling with pleasure. He pushed Ansem onto the ground and...  
  
How about a nice cup of tea, everyone? Sora called out, smiling and ignoring the nasty people on the ground who were...  
  
Suddenly a jet of diarrhea bursted out of Sora's butt and onto Kairi's face!


	17. Sora's Constipation

The Master of Prunes  
  
Chapter Seventeen  
  
Kairi vomited and Tidus, Wakka, Riku, Ansem, and Genie all burst into laughter and tears. Kairi was covered in red diarrhea and had just VOMITED!  
  
This is definitely the highlight of _my_ day! Tidus yelled out, bawling with laughter.  
  
Wakka glared at him. Are you saying we had meaningless se-  
  
Seventh and last time you did that, Sora! Kairi screamed, tears rolling down her cheeks like rivers.  
  
It's not _my_ fault I was constipated, Sora said. I had to take a laxative, and boy, did it feel funny!  
  
Tell me, Sora, Kairi said, a microphone suddenly appearing in her hands. Do you like to be constipated?  
  
Uhmmmm... sometimes, Sora said, smiling.  
  
Well this is dedicated to _you_, my Honey Bunches of Oats, Kairi said, gripping the mic. A huge stage appeared out of the sand and so did massive speakers booming the beat to Avril Lavigne's annoying song, . Kairi abruptly burst into song:  
  
Uh huh, life's like piss  
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is  
Cause life's like piss  
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is  
  
Chill out whatcha eatin' for?  
Lay back it's all been done before  
And if you could only let it pee  
you will see  
I like you the way you fart  
When we're drivin' in your car  
and you're talking to me one on one but you've become  
  
Somebody else round everyone else  
You're watching your back like you have a tack  
You're tryin' to be a fool you look pretty cool to me  
Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so constipated?  
I see the way you're eating like you're somebody else gets me inflated  
Life's like piss you  
And you piss and you diss and you kiss  
and you take what you get and you turn it into puberty  
and promise me I'm never gonna see you ate it  
yes yes yes  
  
You come over underground  
undressed like you're somethin' else  
where you aren't and where it's at you see  
you're making me  
fart out when you strike your coat  
put on all your crappy clothes  
you know you're not fking anyone  
when you've become  
  
Somebody else round everyone else  
Watching your back, like you have a tack  
Trying to be a fool you look pretty cool to me  
Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so constipated?  
I see the way you're eating like you're somebody else gets me inflated  
Life's like piss you  
And you piss and you diss and you kiss  
and you take what you get and you turn it into puberty  
and promise me I'm never gonna see you ate it  
yes yes yes  
  
Chill out whatcha eatin' for?  
Lay back it's all been done before  
And if you could only let it pee  
you will see  
  
Somebody else round everyone else  
Watching your back, like you have a tack  
Trying to be a fool you look pretty cool to me  
Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so constipated?  
I see the way you're eating like you're somebody else gets me inflated  
Life's like piss you  
And you piss and you diss and you kiss  
and you take what you get and you turn it into puberty  
and promise me I'm never gonna see you ate it  
yes yes yes  
  
Why you have to go and make things so constipated?  
I see the way you're eating like you're somebody else gets me inflated  
Life's like piss you  
And you piss and you diss and you kiss  
and you take what you get and you turn it into puberty  
and promise me I'm never gonna see you-  
  
Genie shrieked, clapping with his handish hands wildly. Bonjour, guten fahrt, konnichiwawa!  
  
What the hell is he speaking in four different languages for? Wakka whispered to Tidus.  
  
No idea, Tidus replied, sighing. But Kairi certainly is a lovely singer, even though her lyrics really suck.  
  
Those lyrics weren't hers. They were Avril Lavigne's.  
  
Then Avril Lavine has terrible lyrics, Tidus commented, making an expression of complete revolt. Wakka nodded in approval.  
  
Why do you have to go, Sora, Kairi began, and make things so constipated?  
  
I couldn't help it! Riku's... stuff... accidentally got to my stomach through my butt- buttons, and BOOM! When Sora said BOOM he said it intensely loud, which caused Wakka, Tidus, Ansem, and Riku to fly backwards into the wall into unconsciously.  
  
Continued... in CHAPTER EIGHTEEN!  
  
A/N: Oh, there simply must be a disclaimer for the lyrics used in Master of Prunes- original Come Clean, So Yesterday, and Why Not lyrics were written horribly by Hilary Duff, and original lyrics were written terribly by Avril Lavigne ( last name pronounced: _lah - va - een_ )


End file.
